After England

 It’s been over a year since I flew to England and grew in leaps and bounds, a foundation set down for the rest of my life. I wrote a good long piece about all the things I learned there and it truly was an amazing, life changing experience. But I also have to say that the transition from Capernwray to Real Life was brutal.

 I’ve been thinking a lot about my home away from home lately, about my dear friends and those safe rolling green fields. There’s no other way to say it; Capernwray, the grounds, the community, it was a taste of heaven. For six months, I lived in this bubble of safety, growing in a shelter of perpetual learning and positive conversations. Every worship time together, singing and praising God in our unique ways was a lovely constant foreshadowing of how heaven will be. It was easy, it was safe, and inevitably, it came to an end.

 I was actually surprised that it took me a year before I started wishing every now and then that I was back in England. When I first left, I was ready to go, knowing the next step had to happen now and the timing was perfect. I was sad but not on a deep level and as soon as my next chapter began, Capernwray became a pleasant dream that shaped who I was, but I could keep it resting in my memory.

 We left our castle dreaming of big things, ready to face the world, bring Jesus to the masses and live life to the fullest every day. Our teachers told us leaving Capernwray would be hard and that real life would be tough but I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be to just live a normal life.

 God led me (in quite an obvious way) to work as a cashier in a college dining hall, which has been such a blessing in so many ways and it’s exactly where God wants me. I know He’s been using me to bless people, to help them in practical ways, and it’s amazing because these are future pilots, nurses, musicians and church ministry workers who God will use and I get to help them in that. But Capernwray didn’t prepare me for the thoughts that creep in; “you’re just a cashier”, “shouldn’t you be doing something big like these students?”, “you aren’t doing enough to change the world”.

 That’s been my dream, to change the world in a huge meaningful way. I want to help orphans, I want to comfort everyone who suffers from depression and anxiety. I want to share my story and tell people what God has done and is doing. I want to change the world.

 It was very easy at Capernwray to see that we were doing something grand and meaningful. We had flown to another country simply to be with God and learn about Him. We went out on Outreach and physically helped people out and they were so excited and thankful. We knew we were helping, being useful and God had used us.

 Real Life is way different. Most of the time you don’t know how God has used you and you won’t know until you get to Heaven (won’t that be the best thing?) And that has started to weigh me down every now and then; I’m only living life, going to work, coming home, and that’s that. Where’s the change? How am I being useful? Things start to go downhill from there once those thoughts start creeping in.

 But that’s the thing; I’m focusing on myself. I’m belittling God’s ability to use every single thing we do. Being a Christian is simply walking through life with God and He’ll do the most fantastic things, without me and my dreams getting in the way. He loves to take the little things and make Himself seen in them. All He asks is that I remain open to whatever He has in store and He will dream for me.

 This is Real Life, where we go to school or work, do “normal” everyday things. But if we’re walking with God, open to Him, then every “normal” thing matters. God uses it all for His glory and the hope is found in trusting that He is working things out, that He is using you. God isn’t confined to our grand actions; He works in the little things too. So I’m thankful I had my time in England but I’m also thankful to be in the Real World. This is where the adventure is. It’s hard, things fall apart, there’s a lot of laughter and tears and England was safer. And to be honest, changeable feelings aside, there’s no place I would rather be than where God has me, right here, right now.

Seledreorig

 We were once lovely model of perfection, royalty so charming and beauty overwhelming. Lovely and loving in gowns so soft and vibrant, twirling under a skyscape of stars every night. Soft tinkling laughter, low murmurs of kindness and warmth and all of this in our great Hall, our great King presiding.

 So long ago now and what terrible things have since transpired. Somewhere, a clock struck the close of our happiness, a feat accomplished by our own hands. Those beautiful lights blinked out like dying fireflies and our gowns gave way to rags. Barefoot and broken hearted, we found ourselves running through woods full of things we’d never dreamed of, dire shadows of evils unknown.

 We happened across a book lying in a glade, left by our King. Though its’ sweet words of hope should have strengthened us, it instead separated our group as each chose a different path. Our paths changed us, as sorrows often do and the memory of our great Hall whittled into a sadness that rested deep in our hearts. The book was lost.

 One tried to ease the sadness by building wealth and living a wild life, full of happiness that lasted for short whiles. One found plants in the woods that erased all feeling at all. Once gave away all her precious belongings in hopes of something beautiful in return. One found safety and comfort in harm, wounds that never quite seemed to heal. One never stopped travelling, seeking happiness in the right place to call home.

 Had our lives ever been different? Didn’t we always trudge on through each day, peasants covered in mud? Sometimes we dreamed of haunting music or of a kind laughter, full of love, but we always woke up.

 One found the book and understood what it truly meant. Heart dancing at the thought of finding the answer, of the sadness eased, the question asked for the last time. Ever wandering to tell the truth to others, hopeful of the promised new Hall, we found each other again and broke through the haze of lies we’d submitted to.

 We won’t always wander the woods; nor will the sadness, the lack of a hall, dwell in our souls. We journey to our Hall and our King, dreaming happily of reuniting, of lovely gowns and loving laughter. We dream and travel home.

Forgiveness

Time and again, I fail, break,

Snap at the people I should love

Or choose silence over encouraging words,

Think cruel thoughts of judgment.

And I’m sorry; I don’t mean it

But Flesh rears up in my heart,

Pride and selfish desire coming first

When it should remain slain.

Yet still, despite failure and losses,

You stay the same, never failing

Ever loving, such an amazing thing

I can barely believe and how freeing!

On the Waves

Just a little while longer,

Hold me safe, wrapped up

Until I come to shore

And can fall completely apart,

Melt into the warm sand.

There I’ll lie in pieces,

Soaking in the healing sun

And then a form walks by,

Hands of love shaping slowly,

Pieces renewed and combined,

Wild waves held at bay;

A hand pulls me back up

“let’s dance along the shore

And then into those waves!”

And we danced on them,

Free and joyful once more.

Fly Away

Let me fly with the birds
away from these dark ashes
to clearer skies of hope.
Wings made of mere dreams
taking shape and taking flight
beyond this flat mortal realm.

1. Five Ways to Win My Heart

(A friend and I are doing a 30 day writing challenge, where we have a list of writing prompts and we write about each one in whatever way we want. I'll be posting mine here.)

1. Five Ways to Win My Heart

Words permanently inked upon parchments

Of imagination and lovely open dreams,

Revealing pieces of your dear heart

And begging to see my own thoughts.

Patience and an adventurous companion

With a love to match my own

For thousands of dusty forgotten portals,

Collecting all we can for safe keeping.

Acceptance and a love for my past

And the scars that map my sorrows,

Joy at redemption and sweet forgiveness,

Admiring the butterfly wings I possess.

Sharing the songs that mean the most,

That speak the loudest to your soul,

Causing you to want to leap and shout

Or sit and mourn unknown lost things.

But none of these matter that much,

They’re only nice things but not needed;

Rather, tell me of our Father’s ways

And let’s explore His love together.

New Year 2015

Fearfully, I looked inside my weary heart

And found an empty vessel thirsting deeply

To be filled by something grand and bold.

Many things, I consumed with wild abandon

But to my despair, I discovered tiny holes

In my hollow heart, so I was now a sieve

And nothing I consumed filled for long.

The hollow gnawed but no source satisfied,

Each drying up before joy was achieved,

So I sought across the land for a solution

Until He made Himself known with a smile.

“I see your heart is a sieve that longs

For filling and I’ve seen you searching.

How convenient, I have a river of love

That can never run out, twill always flow.”

Too good to be true but I surrendered

To His laughter and merciful, abundant waters

And we began to walk the road together,

So my heart is always full and gladly

I search no more, heart free of fear.