Speciosis

Celestial beams warm my sleek surface as I rest

And reflect heavenly races of alabaster vapor.

I do not dream beyond the stern bulrushes,

Content to observe my inhabitants take flight,

For their colorful forms are to be admired

And I am not so unsightly myself, calm, at peace.

But the persistent claw of a brewing storm

Streaks and disrupts my frail exterior

And then the once friendly clouds begin an assault;

And I can only survey my disfigured appearance.

Each cold missile wounds and wrinkles age me,

My cerulean borders pockmarked, all purpose lost.

Yet before I close in murky sinking despair,

A lone figure captures my portrait, respectfully distant,

Astonishing; yet there, in my agony, I am beautiful.

Second Childhood

An incomprehensible blur of faces and colors,

Sounds becoming clearer until they form “words”,

Whole words found and explored with abandon,

New wonders added to build a reality; growing up.

And I lived, wrote my heart onto the pages,

Learned studiously, laughed with my dear friends

And at night in mood beams, dreams soared,

Until normal life was achieved and I sat.

What lurching horror to find my chair gone

And I fell into a swirling void of confusion,

Stripping me down to my fragile core

And I was a child for the second time.

Loss could not bind my heart for long

And stubbornly, I jumped into the new life

To find a joy filled land of tastes and shapes,

So that I grew up well and was blessed.

Warrior

Lead me to the raging waters

In a simple dress of white

To drown the entrapping darkness

And strip my flesh to the bone.

Destroyed by victorious love

And drawn up in fierce fire,

The reflection is mine, yet not,

Truly alive, unafraid of failure

In the face of a daunting army.

Washed by water, fire rested,

So lost that Self is found,

A warrior fighting with love.

Waltz

Shadows reigned in the starscape land

As dreams waltzed sleep into dust

And dared to shine beyond boundaries

Of fear and weary tales of tomorrow.

Against a familiar seeping sorrow, refreshed

Feathers of faith amidst desolate losses

Flexed shyly, then strengthened in waking dawn

To sweep the shards from my broken surface.

Then, beyond the cold restraining glass,

Dark was stripped away and forgotten

As day sharpened and pierced my heart,

And I was free, brighter than the stars.

Achor Redeemed

(The last two months have been crazy and definitely hard, though we had fun amidst the hardship. This is an inspired piece based on the last two months.)

  The gentle breeze caressed her face and playfully danced with her as she talked to the grove. It was a comforting place, a haven from the eternal storms that raged beyond the trees of safety. Hair dripping wet and clothing in disarray, she felt peaceful as the warm breeze dried her, causing her hair to form into ringlets. A light blue blanket was spread out on the grass and she sat down gratefully. A pair of doves flew past her and a hind bounded through the grove, delicate feet nimble and sure.

 The girl stood up and ran to the newcomer, who took her in His arms. “Little one.” His voice was audible love and she knew His gentle smile was on His face. They sat on the blanket, facing one another, silently enjoying each other’s presence for a time. Meanwhile, a lion cub and a lamb, which had been playing together nearby, ran over to rest at His side.

 The girl finally spoke, glancing at the faded scars on her pale arms. “I still can’t thank You enough for what You’ve done, especially in the last two years. The valley was so dark and I stumbled so often but the way You picked me up and transformed me…” she found no more words and fell into contented silence. He took her hands and held them tightly before His eyes grew sad. “My child, you once begged for reconciliation among the others and I have plans for them. And those plans involve you and an even deeper valley.”

 She sat very still, thoughts clambering within the confines of her mind, though she let none escape. Instead, she gazed at Him patiently and He continued a moment later. “Little one, it won’t be easy and it will take time.” He waited for her response, though He knew with a smile what it would be. “You’ll stay with me through this? You’ll carry me when I can’t walk another step?” He nodded and a determined look settled on her face. “Well then, let’s go see this valley. Just lead the way.”

 So they left the grove, stepping back out into the rain, walking towards the dark valley entrance. There they paused and He looked at her. “Ready?” She put her small hand in his big strong hand and nodded. And they skipped into the darkness.

Return of the Vlog

Here's a short trailer if you care to watch. I stopped updating my vlog six months ago after I moved to Alberta but I'm starting it up again!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nR6ab6PaRFk

After England

 It’s been over a year since I flew to England and grew in leaps and bounds, a foundation set down for the rest of my life. I wrote a good long piece about all the things I learned there and it truly was an amazing, life changing experience. But I also have to say that the transition from Capernwray to Real Life was brutal.

 I’ve been thinking a lot about my home away from home lately, about my dear friends and those safe rolling green fields. There’s no other way to say it; Capernwray, the grounds, the community, it was a taste of heaven. For six months, I lived in this bubble of safety, growing in a shelter of perpetual learning and positive conversations. Every worship time together, singing and praising God in our unique ways was a lovely constant foreshadowing of how heaven will be. It was easy, it was safe, and inevitably, it came to an end.

 I was actually surprised that it took me a year before I started wishing every now and then that I was back in England. When I first left, I was ready to go, knowing the next step had to happen now and the timing was perfect. I was sad but not on a deep level and as soon as my next chapter began, Capernwray became a pleasant dream that shaped who I was, but I could keep it resting in my memory.

 We left our castle dreaming of big things, ready to face the world, bring Jesus to the masses and live life to the fullest every day. Our teachers told us leaving Capernwray would be hard and that real life would be tough but I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be to just live a normal life.

 God led me (in quite an obvious way) to work as a cashier in a college dining hall, which has been such a blessing in so many ways and it’s exactly where God wants me. I know He’s been using me to bless people, to help them in practical ways, and it’s amazing because these are future pilots, nurses, musicians and church ministry workers who God will use and I get to help them in that. But Capernwray didn’t prepare me for the thoughts that creep in; “you’re just a cashier”, “shouldn’t you be doing something big like these students?”, “you aren’t doing enough to change the world”.

 That’s been my dream, to change the world in a huge meaningful way. I want to help orphans, I want to comfort everyone who suffers from depression and anxiety. I want to share my story and tell people what God has done and is doing. I want to change the world.

 It was very easy at Capernwray to see that we were doing something grand and meaningful. We had flown to another country simply to be with God and learn about Him. We went out on Outreach and physically helped people out and they were so excited and thankful. We knew we were helping, being useful and God had used us.

 Real Life is way different. Most of the time you don’t know how God has used you and you won’t know until you get to Heaven (won’t that be the best thing?) And that has started to weigh me down every now and then; I’m only living life, going to work, coming home, and that’s that. Where’s the change? How am I being useful? Things start to go downhill from there once those thoughts start creeping in.

 But that’s the thing; I’m focusing on myself. I’m belittling God’s ability to use every single thing we do. Being a Christian is simply walking through life with God and He’ll do the most fantastic things, without me and my dreams getting in the way. He loves to take the little things and make Himself seen in them. All He asks is that I remain open to whatever He has in store and He will dream for me.

 This is Real Life, where we go to school or work, do “normal” everyday things. But if we’re walking with God, open to Him, then every “normal” thing matters. God uses it all for His glory and the hope is found in trusting that He is working things out, that He is using you. God isn’t confined to our grand actions; He works in the little things too. So I’m thankful I had my time in England but I’m also thankful to be in the Real World. This is where the adventure is. It’s hard, things fall apart, there’s a lot of laughter and tears and England was safer. And to be honest, changeable feelings aside, there’s no place I would rather be than where God has me, right here, right now.