Long Way Home

 For the past few weeks, I felt that I was doing pretty well. Life was picking up, I was nannying, hanging out with friends and working with the kids at Grace church on Sundays, which has been such a blessing and a blast. And there’s a part of me that always wants that, to be in a comfortable time, nothing going wrong, just a nice, happy season. However, I’m learning that Life doesn’t respect the fact that I like things to be cut into seasons and Life certainly didn’t get the memo that now is a happy season.

 A friend of mine from Grace church was in an awful car accident and initially, it looked grim. And it was as if, in that moment, my heart was convinced that God had fallen off the throne and didn’t have a clue as to what was going on. No matter what I said to myself, reminding myself of who God is and all the usual things, good, in control ect, my heart wasn’t taking any of that.

 I haven’t really been super angry for ages but this time it was as if an ocean was unleashed, taking anything it crashed into with it. Something would happen, I’d instantly see the worst case scenario and be convinced it would end of being reality. Then my health insurance had an issue and I had to pay $1,500 for a month’s supply of my daily injection, something I need. Suddenly, money became a huge worry until I worried myself into a nasty cold.

 You may have heard this before, that if you’re angry with God and with life, that’s okay and it’s better to just have it out with Him. It took me a few days but I finally had the angry asking, accusing and finally the tired emptiness, coming back to the fact that I’ve got nothing. I love people and in doing that, I want to fix their bad situations. I’d grown too self-dependent to pray for situations and then felt utterly helpless when I (inevitably) couldn’t change anything.

 There wasn’t the instant “oh wow I feel great again” but after The Discussion, I ended up giving things to God and then leaving them. I still freaked out over money but God brought up three different companies who all want to sort out the issue for me. I focused on Today and God (probably chuckling at me) did His thing and has been taking care of things.

 There are a lot of things wrong with our world, our lives and a lot of things happen out of the blue, punching you in the gut. It’s hard not to focus on those things. But as soon as you do, you don’t see God the way He really is. He’s not the puppeteer who makes bad things happen because it makes a better story that way. But as He lets things happen, He is there, hand ready for you to take it and trust Him.

 God’s heart is one of abundant love, this epic downpour that soaks you to the bone. God’s heart is a father and little daughter dancing in a field on a beautiful summer day. God’s heart is the hug that doesn’t let go as you wait in the hospital, dreading the impending news.

 Life is hard. The most out of the blue garbage will be dumped on you. The thing is, (spoiler) God wins. We’re on our way Home, where the fight is over and tears only fall out of joy. It might seem like it’s taking forever. But we’ll get there. It’s just the long way home.    

Falling

(One of my favorite songs is "Let Me Fall", sung by Josh Groban. This piece is inspired by that and also by the journey of growing up.)

 Here I stand at the edge of an endless drop, a cliff of uncertain futures, where sky, sea and land are one. One slight step and I would fall forward from all I know, solid ground and lovely repetition. It’s perfectly safe still, only speaking and not acting but action takes courage and movement.

 Yet the only movement here is to fall and falling is not a natural thing. Letting go completely, to be at the mercy of the winds, it isn’t safe; what’s more, it’s simply insane! One small step, ground to space, such a simple thing but the hardest step I might ever take. A swimmer doesn’t dive into unknown waters and a mere mortal doesn’t step into empty air.

 But what do I gain by remaining here on this ledge, ever gazing out at the unknown I didn’t explore? I know this ledge too well; I’ve grown as much as I can and my weak wings need more room to strengthen and grow. Untested, for that is what the step means and so, untrusting, though I’ve seen the birds fly. But I might fall!

 What do I lost? Nothing of value now, for this ledge has grown cold and grey, a lonely place of dreaming. Sunrise, sunset, colors that never quite reach my face and I know there is more beyond! And I hear her voice calling out sometimes, fain but persistent, desperate; “Come find me! I fly free in great wild lands!”

 Perhaps her voice is a lie created by my imagination and I really can’t trust it. Day by day, however, the ledge crumbles a little more and my wings ache deeper. Perhaps her voice is true, a call from one of those possible futures, Self longing to become. To fall is to lost control entirely but control has brought no color or joy.

 So I must fall, step off the ledge and hope my wings will lift me up and let me dance in the air on my own. The shadows aren’t pleased, but then again, they always were jealous of my shining feathers. At least, with only a pinprick of courage, I fall off the ledge into the great expanse of Possibility. 

Dinosaur Museum Musings

 Finally, after living in Alberta for two months, I finally went on an adventure to see one of Alberta's exciting sites. With my grandparents and my aunt, we took a drive down to Drumheller to see the dinosaurs at the Royal Tyrrell museum, which might sound boring to some of you but it was utterly fascinating. Despite feeling the whole time like Ross Geller from Friends should be there to give a tour, the experience was amazing.

  As soon as we entered the first enormous chamber, with dimmed lights and towering dinosaur models, I was filled with the greatest sense of awe. With my trusty camera in hand, I drifted in a near daze from one item to the next. You always know dinosaurs were big creatures but only when you stand underneath their magnificent skeletons do you really get a sense of what they were like.

 The more I saw, the sense of awe was joined by a profound sense of sadness and loss. In a way, I felt like I was walking over the grave of a lost civilization, one that was grand and mighty long ago but has been dead and gone for a very long time now, with their bones put up on display for speculation. Somehow it just didn't seem fair and I started trying to work out in my head why on earth God would create and then destroy these magnificent creatures.

 My writer's mind began making up ideas such as "perhaps the dinosaurs were proud and arrogant and deserved to be wiped out" which is just silly because they were animals like any other animal and can't be like that. Still, I couldn't get past the question of Why; why was an entire species, not just one breed, created and then utterly wiped out? There had to be a point! God doesn't do anything without a reason.


 But as people near me talked about the dinosaurs and I read descriptions from scientists about what they had discovered, I thought about all the scientists who had become Christians while trying to prove their theories correct. I thought of the evidence dinosaurs give concerning the flood and many other things and how even now, people are still looking at the dinosaurs and asking questions. 

 Is that a good enough reason? The point of the dinosaurs was to be wiped out so that for years and years, people would look at their bones and ask questions that might lead them to know God? Might sound quite sad and depressing and yet how fantastic is that? Even after they're long gone, their existence is giving God glory! And that's why God does anything and lets things happen; it's all to bring Him glory.




 I have a lot of hopes and dreams for my existence. I'd love to become a published author and be world famous and have my name on a thousand books, entertaining the nations. Yet God could also call me to be obscure, live and die and have that "be it"; I need to keep on laying my dreams down before Him. I think of Christians all around the world who are dying for their faith and here I am sometimes being angry at God for the dreams He hasn't fulfilled. The dinosaurs didn't have a choice in their attitude towards things but I do. Could I be obedient to the point of death? I really don't know. Could you?

After the Tempest

Little scraps of dream thoughts

Against a starry expanse of fear

Drifting among the sea of my heart.

To leap with angel’s wings

Or glide in murky waters of loss,

Seeking heart’s desire among despair,

Absurdity the only constant chord.

The world is much bigger now

As I shed this first skin

And rise from grey smoky ashes

To the blue of summer skies.

Time over sand, still I rise

Once more after the tempest.

A Sky Full of Stars

(I have internet at home finally! Yay! So one of the great things about living in Alberta is getting to sit out on my porch at night with my aunt and just stare up at the great starry night sky and dream about the future together. This poem came along after one such evening.)

Within a single moment in the cold

Night air under a sky full of stars,

Every pain and fear fades like mist,

Leaving me here looking only up

In silent wonder and astonished awe.

So silent is the night sky, so safe,

A moment apart from normal time

And gazing on this vast expanse

My heart can dream without fear,

Surpassing every boundary doubts raise.

Your great starry blanket rests over me

Giving more freedom than I could imagine

And with awe I give all that I am

To simply being amazed at who You are

And the places You can take me;

Possibilities more vast than the stars

In the untameable, wild night sky.

Capernwray Thoughts: Part 13 and 14

Part 13

 There were a few weeks after Outreach where we just had a lot of fun while we waited to go home. One fun event was the end of the term talent show, which I had absolutely no intention of entering. We had a lot of amazingly talented musicians and singers, as well as many other gifts and entering a talent show seemed like the last thing I could win.

 However, as often happens, God just showed up one day and said “You should sign up. Read one of your stories.” To which I promptly laughed, said no and then actually thought about it. I knew I had nothing to lose, with this being my last Saturday there and it could really be fun. So I signed up, despite the fact that the list was already filling up with many talented names.

 At the practice, I just about quit after hearing all the other people go up before me. Stubbornly, I stuck to it and despite some silly nerves, finally went up on stage Saturday night in front of my peers. After the first paragraph I read, they were laughing, which actually really startled me because I didn’t think the story was that funny but suddenly, having such an amazing audience, I had so much fun.

 I actually hadn’t realized until the show that there would be judges and someone who would win, which did throw me off a little and for the rest of the show, I knew I wouldn’t get first place. But that was fine. I was amazed that I had actually gone up and done something like that. I compared myself from the first week in England to then, my last week and was utterly astounded at everything that God had done. I had come to England a timid, broken and weary person and now I was an energetic healed, hopeful dreamer.

 When they called my name as the winner of the talent show, it was beyond anything I had imagined and I just couldn’t believe it. That night was one of the best nights I’ve ever had and I’ll always have to smile thinking about how much fun that was.

Part 14

 Now I’m back home. When I flew home, I had all these hopes of how things would be different, both in my own behaviour but also in the people I knew. For a few very difficult weeks, I had to realize that while I had changed, everything else was the same and there was one horrible week or two where I went back to the person I was in September. Coming home from a taste of heaven is no easy task.

 But time keeps on going and I keep on changing. Within a month, everything I had learned at Capernwray began to kick in and my new adventures began. It has taken slow, difficult steps all the way and nothing is like I imagined it would be but it’s just as good because God is leading me.

 Am I now out changing the entire world, doing huge projects in His name? No and that’s perfectly okay. I’m simply walking through life, one step at a time, with God. It probably won’t ever be super easy and I’ve already been crawling through some valleys again but I know for certain I’m not alone. All those things I learned at Capernwray truly have set a foundation for me and I don’t doubt I’ll use what I learned in my six months in England for the rest of my life.

Capernwray Thoughts: Part 11 and 12

Part 11

 There were so many things out on the Loop, in nature, that seemed to speak to me during my time at the Hall. Maybe that’s just because the English countryside has so much to offer for one’s imagination but I constantly saw lessons whenever I walked outside.

 One thing that happened outside had to do with some swans. There was a good sized pond by the loop and a little side trail that went around it, which I sometimes liked to traverse just to make my walk different. However, residing in this pond were two white swans, utterly beautiful to look at but completely evil on the inside.

 I don’t know much about swan behaviour but I assume they were pretty typical. They hissed, walked across water to beat each other up and gave passerby’s very angry and murderous looks. And yet if you didn’t wait by the pond for too long, you very often didn’t see this awful behaviour. You just assumed they were beautiful, pure and graceful creatures, because that’s how they looked.

 There was also a grey swan that lived by the pond. Now, I have absolutely no idea the real story behind this, I’m not a swan expert but how it looked to me is what I’m going to write about. I first saw the grey swan on a rainy day walking the Loop. I was startled by the sight of the grey swan, nesting comfortably by the fence that surrounded the pond and felt a little in awe to be so close to such a creature. It looked at me and while I was probably just thinking overdramatically, it seemed to be conveying a message of peace and wellness and I was loathe to keep walking.

 Maybe a week or so later, I heard from several of my peers that the grey swan was dead; literally ripped to pieces by the two white swans. Now, I know it was just a swan but oh, I cried many a tear over its’ death. After a few weeks, I brought myself to go out there and see the scattered bones of the poor creature. And there were the two white swans, peacefully floating on the still waters and suddenly I had a picture in my head, a comparison of the swans and the Pharisees. The white swans looked perfect on the outside like the Pharisees but they murdered, a deed so dark and vile.

 That thought stayed with me for a long time and what made me really sad was the fact that the grey swan wasn’t coming back. That swan had died for nothing and the white swans had gotten away with it and now they could continue on as if nothing had happened. But I knew and the thought of a useless sacrifice was so sad to me. But then the beauty of what Jesus did for us and the wonderful fact that He rose from the dead became just a little more real to me.

Part 12

 Outreach. The very mention of it filled me with fear for the first few months. It was the big finale of school, what all our teaching led up to and it was absolutely mandatory. Right from the beginning, I knew I would have to do it but I truly kept imagining it to be some awful ordeal where I would be pushed to grow until I snapped and all my time in England would be wasted and-well, that’s usually where my overdramatic mind went.

 However, throughout the time prior to Outreach, we learned a lot of useful things about evangelizing and how to defend the faith and countless other topics. Gradually, the idea of Outreach seemed less and less intimidating and I knew it would be good, even if it might also be hard. I knew that God had brought me to England and He wouldn’t abandon me right before Outreach or anything.

 When we first got our Outreach teams and I met with mine, I first was scared about the fact that I was in one of the largest groups; ten people. A lot of groups were just 3 or 4 people and I had really wanted that. I’m more comfortable being myself in smaller groups and it’s easier for me to open up more quickly. Still, this was after Christmas break and I was already a changed person and I was determined to be open, to bond with my team and work as efficiently as I possibly could.

 Right from the start, God was there with our team. We were all very different people and I think if it weren’t for God, there might have been definite trouble and strife. But fantastically, we got along so well! I could hardly believe it. But it was so much fun, hanging out, joking with the team, planning all the things we would do for Outreach and we bonded so quickly. I just loved my Outreach team and though Outreach still stretched me, it wasn’t painful like I expected it to be.

 For Outreach, all the teams were sent to different places around England (and two teams right out of the country) to help at churches and do different events. And this was for ten days! We did different things like acting in skits or running an event for 80 or so kids. Each day was a chance to see God at work, through us but also in all the people we got to talk with.

 However, the ladies brunch was the one thing that impacted me the most. About 30 ladies were there in a restaurant, eating and having a good time and afterwards they would go up to a room and hear someone speak. This time, that someone was me; I was going to give my testimony. Now, the testimony I had written at the beginning of the year was already honest about a few things I had never told anyone but it was by no means the entire story. Now, a few days before we went on Outreach, I’d felt a nudge to just rewrite my testimony completely. A part of me didn’t want to ever be that vulnerable and yet I knew I couldn’t ignore that nudge.

 So the testimony I gave to thirty women that Saturday left nothing out. I shook the entire time I spoke and the feeling of all those eyes on me was almost more than I could bare. Yet the entire time, even during that week, I felt as though I just had to give my testimony. I felt as though my entire reason for coming to England, if for nothing else, was to share my testimony that day. And I did and the response was so overwhelming. Thirty women of all ages cried and talked to me afterwards, giving me glimpses of their own stories and it was so encouraging. One old woman told me “You’ve gained thirty new sisters here today.” 

 I learned a lot during Outreach and I’m so thankful I had a chance to do it. While it was hard during Outreach to feel as though we made an impact, I have full confidence that God used us in ways we couldn’t even imagine. And the fantastic thing is that one day we’ll get to see all those ways. 

Capernwray Thoughts: Part 9 and 10

Part 9

 Something I loved about Capernwray were all the church services and how much changed in me every time I went. One never knew what the service would be like or who would give the sermon or if there even would be a sermon. Because there were different worship teams, music was always a little different too and I just loved every service.

 Some were very difficult to get through because the sermon topics were so relevant and became so personal and somehow had this way of going right to your heart and all you wanted to do was fall down before God and have a good cry. I just hate crying in front of people, just can’t do it and yet a wise person once told me that crying is a sign of letting go of what you’re stubbornly holding on to.

 There were a good many church services, especially in first term, where I just disregarded the fact that I was with other people and just let the tears flow. The wonderful thing was, there were others doing the same thing! It was such a safe place to cry and I always felt better afterwards. God used those services a lot to speak to me.

 The music was one of my favourites times as well and I still miss our times of singing at Capernwray. I got chills so often during a song as I thought of all of us there, each one so unique, from all different countries, praising one amazing Father together. Before then I didn’t really have any idea what heaven would be like but Capernwray gave me just a small picture of that. And while I know not to keep chasing that now that I’m back home, I have something beautiful and amazing to look forward to.

Part 10

 One of the smallest and most random moments that has stuck with me persistently happened one day when I was out in Carnforth, the small town near the Hall. I’d been living in England for about four or five months by then and had adopted what so many British people do; smiling or saying hello to every passerby. One doesn’t think about it but just a simple smile can truly brighten someone’s day, even if you say nothing at all.

 I had sort of thought about this but didn’t quite think it too important until I was doing some shopping. I was walking to a big shopping mart, heading towards the open doors and a rather scruffy looking man was coming out. Somewhere in my mind I first felt a little wary but then I scolded myself and smiled as I passed him by. After that, my thoughts were already on my shopping list but suddenly he called out to me.

 He had stopped walking and looked at me with a big smile. Then he said something that I constantly have floating around in my head now. “Thank you for smiling at me, young lady. Not too many people do and it’s just so nice! Have a lovely day!” And then he just walked away and I felt like I’d just been in a scene from a book.

 Still, though that moment was about twenty seconds long, it’s been one of the most powerful moments of my life and now that I’m back home, I don’t hesitate to simply smile at everyone who passes by. You never know how a smile might affect someone and as we know, God uses everything. Even something as small and simple as a smile at a stranger.

Capernwray Thoughts: Part 7 and 8

Part 7

 There was a travel weekend where everyone went away. I was looking forward to a relaxing time on my own, watching movies and reading, though I was a little worried about how I might react, being alone for so long after being with my roommates all the time. But I had confidence in how much I had changed and grown. The weekend started out great but then I got some very bad news from home and suddenly I was alone in my room, dealing with this news.

 For a moment, everything I had learned, all the growing up I had done, seemed to be stripped away from me and I felt thrown back to square one, once again the person I was when I was at home. I had no one to go to and everything felt so entirely hopeless.

Desperately, I went out to walk the Loop and sit with God by the pond, just to try and calm down. It was steadily growing darker but I walked as quickly as I could out to the pond, tears pouring down my face. And I sat by the pond for a long time, mind racing at all the possible bad things that could happen and then suddenly the strangest calm filled me, the “peace that passes all understanding”. I’ve never felt anything quite like that before or since, just complete peace when I should have been freaking out. It was such a cool moment of God taking care of me, especially when there was no one else around. (Later on I heard more news about the bad news and it wasn’t as bad as was first thought.)

Part 8

 Christmas break was where The Change happened. All of first term, I was shy and dealing with a lot of personal things with God and I found it difficult to talk with a lot of people. Participating in the group events was also hard but I see now that during first term, that was alright because I had a lot of inner growth to do first.

 At Christmas break, almost everyone went travelling or went home. About 60 of us stayed on at the Hall to work, which I chose to do (I didn’t think I’d survive that many plane trips back and forth). All the female volunteers got moved to The Zoo, a fantastically magical place where new friendships were made and a good many movies and computer games happened.

 It was my first Christmas being away from my family and I knew it was going to be hard. I knew I would have to rely closely on God every single moment to get me through, to provide for every little thing. And the awesome thing was that He totally did.

 The one event that sticks out the most to me from that time was a few days into the break. I was feeling very lonely and was sitting on my bed, journaling and praying. I was going to write “God, I’m feeling really lonely right now” but I had just gotten to writing “God, I’m feeling really” when all of a sudden, two friends I had only really talked to a day before or so peeked around the corner and sat down and we talked for ages, laughing and just having a good time. After that, the three of us hang out a lot and I made two very good friends who I am so thankful for.

 Surprisingly, that was one of the best Christmases I’ve ever had. Sure, I had to do work in the kitchens and I was far away from my family and it was nothing like my idea of Christmas but it was so much fun. We played a computer game for four hours that afternoon, alternately laughing and screaming and then later we served the guests and had an awesome Christmas party. And that was my Christmas, nothing like I imagined but maybe even better.

 And Christmas break was where I changed. First term was where I dealt with inward things and the break was when I shifted from this shy anxious little girl to a social, energetic woman. It was way easier for me to socialize with my classmates because there were less of them around and my courage grew. By the time everyone else came back, I was able to socialize with everyone. I was running around all the time from one person to the other, hanging out, going on adventures and I felt like a completely different person, the person I really was supposed to be.

Capernwray Thoughts: Part 5 and 6

Part 5

 One of the fantastic things about being in the English countryside are the sheep. The Bible talks about sheep so often and the deep meanings are lost on us because we just don’t know anything about sheep. Sheep scare really easily and often without an apparent reason. Sheep are constantly in need of food or other simple necessities. Sheep often feel the need to wander around in places where it’s not safe just because hey, why not.

 It is a little humbling to see the similarities between us and sheep. Something that was hilarious to see was when one sheep would suddenly start running across the field and then another would see this and follow. Within seconds, the entire herd would be stampeding like fluffy marshmallows from one end of the field to another for no reason other than the fact that one sheep was doing it. I know for sure that people do this too and it’s just as ridiculous a sight.

 The hilarity of sheep aside, it was very powerful to see the sheep reacting to their shepherd. I was just starting my walk one day when a truck drove down the path. Before the man even stopped the vehicle, sheep from all over the vast field ran as quickly as they could to the fence, just to be near him. This sight brought tears to my eyes as I thought of myself running to Jesus for comfort and love, the scene before me making it more real.

 As soon as the shepherd showed up, everything around them was forgotten and their focus was completely on him. If he walked somewhere, the huge flock would struggle to follow, pushing and shoving to be closest. I saw the shepherds out there in all sorts of weather too and I just couldn’t believe their devotion to these stupid, thankless animals.

 When spring arrived, the lambs began to appear and I saw even more pictures of God’s love for us in them. I remember one day when it was super windy and I was struggling to get my walk done as quickly as possible. As I walked up the path, I saw a large sheep lying in the field, its back to me. It looked at me with a watchful eye, deemed me as no threat and then looked away. I kept walking but then looked back at the sheep and was startled to see a lamb curled up beside the sheep, completely blocked from the wind and sleeping peacefully. God said, “Hey look, that’s like you and me.”  

 It was really fun watching the lambs, how playful they were and how unaware of danger they were. I had several lambs come up to me one time and play tag until their mother bleated at them. The lambs were just so small and helpless, yet so fearless too. It was interesting to compare them to their mothers, who were so scared all the time and it was sad seeing the lambs grow up into fear.

 Another time, I was with my roommates and one of them had a bag of something. They quickly discovered that if they shook the bag, the sheep would think it was the shepherd with a bag of food and some would come running. Imagine their disappointment and confusion when they realized they had been led astray. I couldn’t help but think about when we chase after idols and how empty it leaves us, every time.

Part 6

 We had an open mic night one time and once again, I was reminded that I had to be brave, open up and just do stuff for my time at Capernwray to be fully useful. So I signed up to read a poem. I remember the meal before the event; I ate half a hotdog and then knew I didn’t dare eat anything else. My nervousness always sits in my stomach. By the time I was sitting in the Stable where the event was held, I was shaking from nervousness.

 At this point in my stay, still in first term, I wasn’t outgoing at all and only really hung out with my roommates. I hadn’t even spoken to half the people in the Stable then and though I had practiced my poem over and over, I kept imagining what a fool of myself I was going to make. Yet I knew that I just had to do this, for some reason. My writing was very important to me and sharing it was a good thing to do.

 I was the first one up and though I shook like mad, I somehow pulled myself together, even shushed the audience before starting. And it went so well! That was the first big crazy thing that I did at Capernwray and it was one step of many to The Change that would occur later on at Christmas break. 

Capernwray Thoughts: Part 3 and 4

Part 3

 I had a lot of stuff I hadn’t told anyone, coming from two years of hurt and darkness. One of our first assignments was to write our testimony and present it to our Family Group. Now I knew that for my time in England to be fully useful, I would have to share and be open so I could grow. My roommates made all that just a little bit easier, especially on one day where we all shared our testimonies with each other for practice.

 Something I learned that day was that all those things about ourselves that we hide, in fear of being seen as different or just too broken, are, first of all, ridiculously common in everyone. Because I had always hid all my problems inside where no one could see, I felt that my problems were rare and so, un-healable. But when I opened up to others, I saw that others had the same hurts and I was in no way alone in my struggles. And that was such a great comfort, bringing hope and the impossible possibility of healing.

 Secondly, just the very act of bringing those hurts and struggles into the light where others can see them took away the power of those hurts. Sharing me, my entire self, brokenness and all was so utterly freeing and the chains those hurts had placed on me broke. If you bring your darkness into the light, it weakens and loses its hold over you. After being such a solitary person, this was one of the first good things about community that I learned and it made me want to continue being in community.

Part 4

 I think one of my all-time favourite things about Capernwray was the Loop. It was a path that looped all around the countryside, going by pond and a river and numerous fields with sheep in them. I first explored the Loop with my roommates on one of the first days but later on I started a habit of walking the Loop right after lunch. It was my alone time, where I could just talk with God, listen to music, and sometimes I brought a notebook along to write poems. I’d vigorously walk the whole thing or sit by the river or the pond and just….be. Our days at Capernwray were packed with lectures, duties and socializing, which were all wonderful. But to balance all that out, I had about an hour or so of just being, out in nature with God.

 My walk became so important to me, time away from people. I’ve always heard God better when I’ve been out in nature simply because it’s easier to hear and see Him in what He’s made and the English countryside was perfect. A good many poems were inspired by my walk and it also gave me time to process all the things I was learning in lectures. The lesson I learned from my walk was actually taught by one of our lecturers.

 He told a story about a relative of his who had a chair. Every morning, this relative sat in that chair with his Bible and a pen in hand and sat with God for an hour. Every morning. That chair was special, marked as a sacred space for just him and God. The lecturer concluded with the question “What is your chair?” My “chair” was my walk on the Loop every day and since being back, I realize I need to consciously find a new “chair” and keep up a routine, because hanging out with God is not something you can just do in a few minutes.

Capernwray Thoughts: Part 1 and 2

 Finally, after four months of being home, I've start writing a Capernwray Memoir. I'll be posting it in pieces so that it's easier to read (and I'm not done yet anyway).

Part 1

 Funny to think it’s already been four months since I got home from England. I was living at Capernwray Hall, which was my sanctuary for six all too quickly passing months. I vaguely remember when I decided to go there after High School; it was in the later half of grade twelve and it was a dark time. The pressure of having a “next step” was greater than ever and though I had several half hearted ideas, each one made my stomach turn and I just wanted to hide from Reality.

 Spiritually and mentally I was very sick, just worn out and ready to move on from High School but I had no place to move on to. Old hurts kept coming up, never leaving my mind and I felt ready to just burst out of my skin and flee what my life had become. I think it was my dad who finally mentioned Capernwray, a Bible school in England. And as I thought about it, my stomach didn’t turn and going there just seemed right. In desperation I sent in my application without any backup plans in case that failed and a part of me never quite doubted that I would make it. The acceptance letter filled me with equal amounts of excitement and horror.

 The fact that I was going to England became a light at the end of the tunnel for me and helped me make it through the rest of grade twelve. The summer leading up to my departure was filled with many ups and downs, with dread of leaving what I knew and the yearning to leave behind a lot of broken relationships. Never once did I question whether this was the right thing to do, just if I was able to do it and yet every time I started going down that line of thinking, God popped up and said “Hey, that’s where I want you to go and I am going to make it happen. So calm down.”

Part 2

 When the plane took off and we began to go up and away from my home, I was completely struck by one ridiculous and delightful thought; “I’m fleeing the country and all my problems, which have haunted me for so long, can’t follow. They just aren’t allowed.” Suddenly all my problems weren’t in my face and I didn’t have to pay them any mind. They weren’t nearly as big as I had made them out to be.

 I was already beginning to change, even on that plane ride and despite being fearful about the trip, I knew that great things were ahead of me and fear wasn’t going to rule over me. I travelled with three other girls who were also going, which was a comfort (because I would have gotten so lost otherwise). When the plane landed and we taxied to the train station, I was feeling good and very brave.

 We had to wait at the train station for a few hours and ended up buying some food at a café. Within twenty minutes of eating a sandwich, I was more nauseous than I’ve ever been before without throwing up. My stomach and I have never gotten along and when it begins to act up, it makes me panic a little and feel utterly helpless. Desperately I prayed over and over again for God to just calm my stomach because I couldn’t lie in the London train station forever.

 However, after one desperate bribery prayer (“I swear, God, if you calm my stomach down, I’ll be so good from now on. PLEASE.”), God said “I promised I’d get you there.” And that was about it. Needless to say, my over active imagination provided all sorts of scenarios where I would just die there in the bathroom or that perhaps I had a rare incurable disease. My hope and joy was demolished in seconds and I was miserable.

 My thoughts jump to the car ride from the train station to the Hall. I remember even as we drove down the narrow winding roads and I wanted nothing more than to die that I looked back at my day and realized I had made it. God had brought me to England, to this castle that I would come to love as my second home, where all these fantastic things would happen. The sight of the castle coming into view in the darkness brought such relief.

  Now that I think about it, the fact that my stomach was so off kept me from being nervous about meeting my roommates. I’ve never had to share a room in my life and I am one who appreciates her own space and before the trip, I had been concerned about sharing a room with lots of other people who I might not get along with. But at ten at night, completely jet lagged and not having eaten anything in seven hours, all I wanted was to meet the roommates and then go to sleep.

 I think so fondly of Room 12, Conference Hall. The first night, it was like a cold, inhospitable hotel room, very nice and clean but very impersonal. Within a week, I think we made it the most personal room of all. I could not have asked for better roommates. We were all delightfully introverted, and so we were able to be extroverts with each other, making getting to know one another really easy. I was worried about not being able to relate with any of them and yet I found myself relating with each one in different and awesome ways. 

Capernwray Reflections

 Well, I'm back at home after six months in England and I'm going through culture shock. The light switches at home are so big and the toilets flush properly every single time. I just about tried to plug in my adapter when I needed to charge my laptop. Of course, there are lots of little things I'd forgotten about home, like how much better I sleep with fifty million blankets and pillows.

 I learned so much at Capernwray, wrote over 200 poems and a few short stories and filled nearly two journals too.

 The sense of community at Capernwray was something that took me all of first term to get used to, with the meals being super overwhelming for the first week. And yet I came to love hanging out with people, getting to talk with people about God and the stuff that's going on in our lives. Being at Capernwray taught me to be more open, because so many people are going through the same things and it was so encouraging every day.

 One of the most valuable things I learned at Capernwray was that faith is standing firm on what is true, even when feelings say other things. This was huge for me because my feelings controlled me so much before and my understanding of faith was very different before. So when there are times that my feelings tell me one thing, I'll hold it against the truth and stand faithful on the truth.

 While I was away, it was also amazing to see God working on my relationships at home, which weren't in the best condition when I left. As time progressed, my relationships began being restored into new things, which made coming home a lot easier. And I can take this knowledge, that God is the great restorer, and keep it with me for the future.

 And definitely the main thing that I learned at Capernwray was that no matter how broken and at the end of things you are, God is still able to redeem you and pull something beautiful out of the ashes. In fact, the point of complete brokenness is exactly where God loves to begin working, because everything else is stripped away. I came to England needing healing and needing to grow beyond the routines I had fallen into and God met me there to redeem me fully. I am so amazed at how far He's brought me and I know that the things He taught me at Capernwray will be with me for the rest of my life.

 Of course, I learned about a million other things too and I'm still processing a lot. A lot of what I've learned has been coming through my poems throughout the past six months and probably still keep coming through in months to come. It was the biggest blessing, being able to go and I'm so thankful for everything, for the amazing people I met, friends I made and the chance to simply sit with God, heal and grow.
   

New Year's 2013

Tick tock, here we are

At the end, the edge

Once more as before,

Yet now isn’t then

Despite the circular return.

The threshold has changed,

Shining lighter than before,

Promising welcome change,

Dare I take the step

Away from the past.

Across the line I fly,

Chains left behind me

Where they will remain

And the darkness sighs

At my sweet parting,

For where I tread,

It can not go.

A new year begins

And I am reborn.

Prelude

Once in darkness, my heart did lie

Where chains drew close so I might die,

And though I knew the light would heal,

The pain inside was just so real.

To show my wounds and bring to light,

That right there was half the fight

And only then could I break free

From clever lies that held onto me.

The voice of truth, it held my heart

As the darkness ripped me apart;

Then truth replaced my broken pride

And now I have no need to hide.

My heart and soul are now unchained,

The glory of God in me proclaimed

And in the light I will now tread;

The darkness in me is finally dead.

Beyond the Glass

The pitter patter against

The cold window pane was

A steady beat as I cried

At the cruelty of life.

With words so swift,

My fragile world of glass

Was shattered beyond repair

And now I sit among

The countless shards.

Slowly down the glass,

I watch rain droplets

Reflect my streaming tears,

Falling one by one

Adding to my inner despair.

But there is a voice

Calling to me from beyond

The cold, spattered glass.

A call to shift my

Nearsighted gaze, to

See past the dripping

Drops, past the sorrow,

And through the window.

Suddenly revealed to me

Is a glorious sight;

Green shoots rising from

The ashy ground, new

Life proclaiming a mystery

So breathtakingly wondrous.

So, despite the cold rain,

I focus, with sweet grace,

On the glorious plan

That lies beyond the glass,

And one day, the rain

Will forever cease to fall.

Death of the Grey Swan

Why did you do it, white swans,

Why turn on one different from you?

Did she come to you, resigned at fate

With her head laid low to the ground?

Or did you sneak in the night as

She slept in blissful unawareness,

So sure of tomorrow’s hopeful dawn?

Haughty, gazing in what, jealousy?

Surely not, your feathers so pure and

Yet, they noticed her, not you two,

And so she had to lose her life.

Preening your feathers as though

All is well, blood stains on the ground,

And there will be no justice.

Yet I know now that your beauty

Does not go past your feathers.

For These Things

These things I pray for;
courage to face the future,
wisdom when looking behind,
faithfulness despite heavy storms,
a heart of endless joy,
strength to say thank you
for breaking my heart,
and the ever knowledge
of your sweet love.
All these and more
do I humbly ask for.

Wild Fire

For so long, only dry kindling

Resting inside, uselessly doing nothing.

Yet it took only a small spark,

Alive and full of potential, to

Begin something great, a wild fire

To burn through the dross and

Bring forth the light of hope,

Life given for a purpose.

Passion began and let rampant

Across the land, fire bright

In the eyes of the once blind

Cripples who now dance with joy.

Spread fire across the dry land

So it may be revitalized

And prepared for something great.

Hands of a Murderer

The sticky blood covered my pale hands,

And though I washed them time and again,

The stains of what I had done remained.

Echoes of our cries, the mob so frenzied,

Determined for blood to be spilled,

Though we did not quite understand why,

Oh, I can’t stop hearing my own voice.

That night is forever burned into my mind,

Torches, dogs skulking among our feet

And the rising hunger of our dark hearts,

All now bringing me to my knees, in tears.

His words ring in my mind now, cutting

Deeply, for the love and gentleness in them

Puts my previous anger to utter shame.

But that shame has come too late,

And my endless tears won’t revive him.

I will always be haunted by my sin,

Having slaughtered the purest lamb,

My ears and heart having been stone cold

But not now; now broken and so sorry.

Can there be any way for a murderer

To be forgiven, blood scrubbed away?