God's Got This

 Well, by this time tomorrow, I'll be on an airplane leaving behind my home for the first time without my family. The reality of this is still beyond unreal to me, and I find myself shaking my head, wondering "Really? Am I actually doing that? There's no way. It's physically impossible."

 But the best part is, it's not impossible.Though there's no way I could do this on my own, God's got this entire thing, and it's going to be life changing. Words of doubt have tried to weave into my mind today, spelling out all the possibilities of how things could go wrong, but still, though I trembled inside, I looked to God, calling out to Him to make this happen. And I have complete trust that He will.

 I am meant to go to England, and so I will. Any other argument is invalid. So how beautiful is that? Even if I get on the wrong plane, miss my train or get attacked by a rabid flock of crows, I am still going to make it to England, and to the school.

And then the adventure will truly begin, and won't that be simply the best?

Acquiesce

I walked away, leaving behind the ruin
and destruction of what we were.
I left you behind without second thought,
for my eyes were fixed only forward.
Seeking myself, lost in the darkness,
a quest I had to take alone.
You're an empty hollow in my heart
but the hollow is not to be my focus.
Climbing the mountain of my sorrows,
gaining strength, recovering lost pieces
until one day, I will reach the top,
and I can look back, see it all.
And then I'll tell you what I saw,
and then maybe we'll understand.

I Dreamt

I dreamt of you, held you
as I never would in my waking hours.
A sweet tender moment, silently,
we sat together in peaceful calm.
I knew it was not true reality,
and I knew in any moment, you would fade,
but still, I clung to you, to us,
and hoped against all that you would stay.
But as you leaned in to speak,
I knew I was waking, so I smiled,
and took in the moment quickly,
to be comforted on a rainy day.
Then, tearfully, I let go, and my heart
remained with you in the world of dreams.

There You Were

 Some may deny your presence, for fear of a higher calling and a loss of freedom, but I know without doubt that you are here. You appear in every new budding flower, you soar above the clouds as a majestic eagle, and you are seen in the fearful expanse of space. 

 As a child, I knew of you but did not truly know. Still, you dwelled among my imagination, planting the seed of story within my very soul. I learned to create, a mimicry of your greatness.

 Starting to know you as I ventured out into the world for the first time was at first only a routine. To sing to you but not feel the praise inside, to read of your mighty deeds but not take them into my heart, all the very earliest of beginnings. Repetition of routine, laying down the foundation of a temple that will much later be established.

 Though I was a child and only spoke to you when thanking you for the good things, there you were, ever at my side. Though I could not see you and felt as though I had no need of you, there you were, encompassing my gentle heart.

 As the child began to fade and was replaced with a growing, learning young woman, there you were, speaking to me, “listen, dear one, follow my ways.” And as time spiralled onwards, I heard you and did begin to follow. Still, I did not truly understand what following you meant, only that it was right and to do so meant happiness.

 Only as I begun to understand that it was not always so, did I begin to love you. Our friendship then truly grew and I was content, glad for the way things had gone. There you were, a companion on warm, lazy days.

 Yet the sun was suddenly blotted out and my world turned cold. The green leaves turned brown and crumbled around me, so all I held were ashes. Rain fell without ceasing as I kneeled on the pavement, crushed beneath the weight. And yet, there you were.

 The darkness filled my heart and became who I was, and so I fled to the darkest valley. There was no joy, no bright colored flowers to comfort my spirit. Time and again, though I sought to flee the valley, I merely tumbled backwards, hurt even more. But there you were.

 The valley was, I thought, to be my final dwelling place. It molded me into a monstrous creature, avoiding the light at all cost lest it burn away the dark and show my soul for what it truly was. Clinging to my remaining gifts, one by one losing my grip as they slid like sand beneath my weakening fingers.

 Even the valley was blotted out, the darkness grew so much, and all that remained was my ravaged soul and my twisted thoughts. My gifts were gone, everything was gone and all that was left was my broken voice that called for help. And there you were.

 I lay broken on the stone, soul raw and bare, and it was then that true understanding began to form. Only then, with all else torn away, the very earth beneath me gone, could I know what it meant to trust you, for there you were. Only then could a true healing begin.

 As my broken wings mend and I fly from this land, I know I need not fear. Though waves threaten to come crashing over me, and storms rage around me, I am at peace, for there you are, encompassing me with love.

      

Moiety

It truly is quite a conundrum
and day and night, I ponder it.
In my hands I hold the lifeless
rag-doll remnants of our friendship
and still, I can not bury it.
I long to fly freely forward
but some force holds me still.
The problem lies within, I espy.
While all else is sound and whole,
there is a small, jagged hollow
from which a vital piece was taken.
You have a moiety of my heart,
not given to you intentionally,
but so it is, nonetheless.
Please, I beg you, return it,
so I may flee this desolate land.
Bring back the moiety of my heart
that leaves me waiting and incomplete.

The End of the Start

This "growing up", moving on,

leaving behind your laughing eyes

and comforting words of hope.

Do the ends justify the means?

Does the gardener really have to

prune so the plant will grow?

I hear your accusing voice

and still, despite my sorrows,

I will not go back.

Perhaps you only see your pain,

but I see an entire painting

and have faith in its completion. 

My wings unfurl and I fly

far above it all, to understand,

but one day I will return home.

So perhaps this is not the end,

but the start of something new.

Statue-Video Poem

I've been recording a lot of my poems lately and making them into videos. Here is an older poem of mine.

With Hope

Though now I walk through darkness,
and can not understand the "why",
I know, with hope, that one day
all will be clear when I die.

For death shall be my portal
to that glorious Realm of Light,
and with every single step I take,
suddenly clouds will fade from sight.

With patience, then, I humbly trust
the all knowing Author of love.
For all fears here shall pass away
and the Kingdom will come from above.

Disconsolate Patience

I will wait for you, my dear sweet friend.
With dutiful, and sometimes disconsolate, patience,
I will linger here, lamenting and beseeching 
the Holy Father above, "Please save him".
A gift resides before you, generously given,
yet you refuse to take it unearned.
What darkness do you draw before your eyes?
What painted image do you compare yourself to?
You gaze in a mirror of dark reflection,
coated with contemptible lies about your heart.
A veritable demon stands in your stead, it seems.
It is a dark valley that you traverse,
and I see that I am not to be your guide.
So I remain here at the journey's end.

Amber Moments

All of a sudden, just for you.
time stops and you're unexpectedly trapped.
All around you, the others continue
but you are motionless, a weak
fly frozen in glowing amber.
You knew you shouldn't have spoken
and you should have just been content
but that would only be looking back,
a futile, yet attractive, exercise.
Alone in your slow world of amber,
the pain begins to build up inside
and you think soon, it will kill you,
tear you apart in long, sleepless nights.
You've read of such pain, it's not unique
but you're convinced that somehow,
it is. Healing seems dreadfully unattainable
and the pieces are just too scattered.

But despite the hopeless thoughts, denial 
that life can go on, it will,
no matter how much you want to 
dwell on the moment. Without your consent,
the seconds keep ticking, the sun keeps 
rising and falling, and the pain you hold
onto will begin to lessen, slip away
and become a memory among so many others.
And the amber will melt, and you will be
free to continue on with your hope filled life.

It's Funny Because I'm Short

 It's the strangest thing, being only five foot three and a half. In my High School, with lots of Dutch people who were all seven feet tall, it was always a struggle seeing anything in the hallways. I had to fight to not get trampled. Even seventh and eighth graders were taller than me.

 My friends were all taller too and when we walked around the school, I would be running to keep up with their normal walking pace. The common phrase was, "It's funny because you're short."

 Even after I've graduated and I traverse the real world, my height has been the source of confusion and amusement. 

 For example, I've been working in our Elementary School Library for the month. A teacher I didn't know came up to me as I was working behind the desk.

Teacher: "Oh, do you have school off today? Or, oh, you're home schooled?"
Me: "...I'm graduated."

 Or the time I visited my aunt in Alberta and worked at her church. 

Stranger: "Nice to meet you. And...it was your sister that graduated? I saw the pictures on Facebook!"
Me: "Yeah... actually, that was me."

As I worked at the church, I met several other younger teens. We all ended up going on a fun outing together and to get to know me, they played a question game.

Guy: "What grade are you in?"
Me: "I actually graduated this year. I turn eighteen in a few days."
Guy: "What? I thought you were like, grade eight or something."

 Not to say that I don't enjoy how short I am. I would hate to tower over everyone and not be able to simply observe. I never cease to find new amusement in people's reactions.

 And not everyone mistakes me for being younger. My little sister, who's nine years younger, and I went to a Cirque Du Soleil show a few months back. While we stood in the bathroom lineup at intermission, a girl turned around and asked:

"Oh, is this your daughter?"

A Lovely Surprise

 It's 18 days or so till I fly away to my new residence. I've already talked with several people that I'll be going to school with, and I'm just so excited to meet them all in person. They all seem very friendly and I think that many strong friendships will spring up.

  One such example is a girl I talked to yesterday. She had seen my blog and we discussed books for awhile. Then, to my surprise and utter delight, she made a picture using a quote from one of my earlier posts! I'm still overwhelmed by the gesture. 

Here's the picture:

Oh it just makes me giggle with delight. She did an awesome job!

Carmen

There's a style of poetry called "Found Poetry", taking lines from places to create a poem. I made this one from a hymnal. 

Sweet hour of prayer,
open my eyes.
We walk by faith,
though the way be cheerless.
Trust Him and pray
at night or noon-day fair.
Let the healing streams abound.

Feelings

And in your heart, the longings

and desperate desires rise up,

in a sad sort of way,

loath to appear yet again, when

they know full well there is

no nourishment to be had.

They're an old sort of wound,

hidden but still tender to touch,

to be avoided at every cost.

Still, though, a mind of their own

is the source of their power

and in the end, all that remains

is to wait for their dying breath

and then a hopeful regaining of self.

Writer's Legacy

Sweet words to white pages,
imprints of my hidden soul.
Forget-me-not stick notes,
monuments long after my time.
Every reread word on paper,
revives, for the moment, my being.
Time travelling, immortalizing
poetry, stories and books.

Little Lamb

Hush, my dear, sweet little lamb. 
Quake not inside the encompassing fold,
though demons of the night may howl
and call, unseen, for your spilt blood.
Though the darkness lies heavy upon the glen
and the morning seems nothing more than a myth,
hold onto the truth of who protects you.

Frightened little lamb, lie still and rest despite
the danger and the horrors that creep at the fence,
for though they seem so strong and lethal, 
they are powerless to pluck you from the pen.

Trusting little lamb, close your weary eyes
and be comforted by my eternal presence,
and know that despite every raging storm,
vile, snarling predator and cold, oppressive darkness,
never, not even once, shall I leave you, my darling lamb.

I'm going to England. What?

 My problem is that if something doesn't happen right away, it stops being a reality and becomes more of a day dream. I knew I was going to England back in April or so, but it didn't click in my head. 

It still hasn't quite clicked, but as my departure date gets closer and closer, I keep having sudden moments of, "Oh...England...OH!"

 And then I start to think of all that means and then I get stressed out and then I have to stop thinking about it so I can sleep at night.

 However, no matter how ridiculous the idea sounds sometimes, and no matter how terrifying this new journey will be, I know two things: God's taking care of me, and England is where I'm meant to be.

 So everything else will fall into place eventually, and it's all going to be okay. God's already provided someone for me to travel with (which was a big stress), and He's going to keep on providing. 

 Still....I mean...I'm going to England?? What???

Betwixt and Between

  While everyone else starts school tomorrow, or has already started it, here I am, stuck at home watching Friends and eating noodles covered in cream cheese. And drinking about six or seven cups of tea a day. (It's turning into a real problem. An intervention may soon be in order.)

 The irony of me watching Friends doesn't escape me. As a person with few close friends to begin with, I now have one friend still here in the country and she'll be going to classes tomorrow.

 At the end of the month, I'll be going to England for Bible school, and it'll certainly be an adventure and a half. But the waiting is going to be the real first test, I think. High school is done, summer is done, I'm ready for the next step, but the next step can't be taken yet.

 I'm trapped in a weird in-between time, like a faerie story where a human child is trapped between worlds. I'm thankful for the extra time to relax and to read through my pile of books, but that's what I've been doing for a month already.

 So the trick is to keep my sanity until the end of the month. I have to keep busy, make more of my poems into movies, read more, watch Friends and write my stories.

 And I should probably start thinking about my packing list too...

Books: August

So, I sort of kind of went overboard with the amount of books I bought/received....but I'm not sorry one bit. Finally hit 800 books!

Read:

1. Partners in Crime

2. The Tehran Initiative

3. The Carnivorous Carnival

4. The Mystery of Misty Canyon

5. The Case of the Artful Crime

6. The Case of the Floating Crime

7. The Fortune Teller’s Secret

8. The Fault in Our Stars

9. The Partner

10. The Time Traveller’s Wife

11. Miss Marple’s Final Cases

12. Questions You’re Probably Already Asking

13. The Curse of the Pharaohs   

14. Gone
15. The Mummy Case
16. Hunger

Bought/Received:

1. Les Miserables (vol 2)

2. Flood Tide

3. Shock Wave

4. The Partner

5. The Runaway Jury

6. Valhalla Rising

7. Atlantis Found

8. Sahara

9. Raise the Titanic

10. Trojan Odyssey

11. Iceberg

12. Treasure

13. Dragon

14. Shakespeare’s Sonnets

15. Emperor Mage

16. The Mystery of the Misty Canyon

17. The Case of the Artful Crime

18. The Case of the Floating Crime

19. The Fortune Teller’s Secret

20. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

21. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

22. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

23. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

24. The Carnivorous Carnival

25. The Grim Grotto

26. Lemony Snicket: The Unauthorized Autobiography

27. The Slippery Slope

28. The Penultimate Peril

29. The End

30. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

31. Outlander

32. The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes

33. Three

34. Miss Marple’s Final Cases

35. The Time Traveller’s Wife

36. Extras

37. The Last Days

38. Beowulf

39. The Fault in Our Stars

40. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

41. Tomb of the Golden Bird

42. Angel

43. The Curse of the Pharaohs

44. A River in the Sky

45. Gone

46. Lies

47. Hunger

48. Plague

49. Light

50. Fear

51. The Snake, the Crocodile and the Dog

52. Boneman’s Daughters

53. Appointment with Death

54. Enter Three Witches

55. Anne’s House of Dreams

56. Anne of Windy Poplars

57. Anne of Avonlea

58. Anne of the Island

59. Agatha Christie: An Autobiography