Long Way Home

 For the past few weeks, I felt that I was doing pretty well. Life was picking up, I was nannying, hanging out with friends and working with the kids at Grace church on Sundays, which has been such a blessing and a blast. And there’s a part of me that always wants that, to be in a comfortable time, nothing going wrong, just a nice, happy season. However, I’m learning that Life doesn’t respect the fact that I like things to be cut into seasons and Life certainly didn’t get the memo that now is a happy season.

 A friend of mine from Grace church was in an awful car accident and initially, it looked grim. And it was as if, in that moment, my heart was convinced that God had fallen off the throne and didn’t have a clue as to what was going on. No matter what I said to myself, reminding myself of who God is and all the usual things, good, in control ect, my heart wasn’t taking any of that.

 I haven’t really been super angry for ages but this time it was as if an ocean was unleashed, taking anything it crashed into with it. Something would happen, I’d instantly see the worst case scenario and be convinced it would end of being reality. Then my health insurance had an issue and I had to pay $1,500 for a month’s supply of my daily injection, something I need. Suddenly, money became a huge worry until I worried myself into a nasty cold.

 You may have heard this before, that if you’re angry with God and with life, that’s okay and it’s better to just have it out with Him. It took me a few days but I finally had the angry asking, accusing and finally the tired emptiness, coming back to the fact that I’ve got nothing. I love people and in doing that, I want to fix their bad situations. I’d grown too self-dependent to pray for situations and then felt utterly helpless when I (inevitably) couldn’t change anything.

 There wasn’t the instant “oh wow I feel great again” but after The Discussion, I ended up giving things to God and then leaving them. I still freaked out over money but God brought up three different companies who all want to sort out the issue for me. I focused on Today and God (probably chuckling at me) did His thing and has been taking care of things.

 There are a lot of things wrong with our world, our lives and a lot of things happen out of the blue, punching you in the gut. It’s hard not to focus on those things. But as soon as you do, you don’t see God the way He really is. He’s not the puppeteer who makes bad things happen because it makes a better story that way. But as He lets things happen, He is there, hand ready for you to take it and trust Him.

 God’s heart is one of abundant love, this epic downpour that soaks you to the bone. God’s heart is a father and little daughter dancing in a field on a beautiful summer day. God’s heart is the hug that doesn’t let go as you wait in the hospital, dreading the impending news.

 Life is hard. The most out of the blue garbage will be dumped on you. The thing is, (spoiler) God wins. We’re on our way Home, where the fight is over and tears only fall out of joy. It might seem like it’s taking forever. But we’ll get there. It’s just the long way home.    

Sea Dream

 You were my sweet love, brave when facing the waves of fractured dreams. Across the fields of wild grass, we met once under heavy beating sunrays and you fed me sweet things. Our summer promised to last for years, your tangled locks so sleek, your nose kissed by the sun. How could night and day meet in a third time, thriving at dusk?

 Yet you became my destruction, the collapse of my world. Sand swallowed all trails leading to you and they caged me once again, fearing for my senses. Often I thought them lost as well, until I took wing to find you.

 I thought I found you by the edge of the lake, your shimmering arm around me but instead I found myself transported to gentle, happy currents, the sweet song of merfolk drifting by me without haste. Silent echoes emanate to greet others as I deftly dive deeper to darker comfort. The sun is only a dim, fragmented star in a reflected world. The matter of breath does not concern me, for few are the cares that can pass through the glass divide. With a playful nudge at my side, the friendly whiskered fish leads me to my sunken treasure. His skin is as precious pearl, eyes unseeing, chains gripping his hands and feet.

 That beloved face, cold in the warm currents, one I hold gently now. Already, seaweed takes the place of my hair, my legs twining into one scaly member. As I am stripped away, my lips close over his and I give breath to his lungs. My grasp fails as he rises to the surface while I gently greet the sands.

 My eyes have already changed so that light reveals more and I watch contentedly as he is pulled out of the water. Then I examine the webbing between my green fingers, the light barely shining through. Then the inky cloud drifts closer until I am consumed and I smile a human smile one last time.

Not Now

Not now, not ever is a good time

To soar up in the sky with you

But I’m gonna be here for you

And you will rise on eagle’s wings.

So where do we go from here?

You set out on your great adventure

And days like this, it rains too much,

Washing away all the love I’ve found.

Who But You

 The heat of evening lingers as each step raises dusty remnants of hopes once clung to. I walk as I have always walked, farther from home to unknown dreams you once placed in my now dull heart. Seventy five years of following shadows to rest in false paradise until the anchor was suddenly taken and you said to go and I trusted you. Beneath a starry sky as vast as an ocean, you promised and I waited for the impossible in a land of possibility.

 Time brings an ever changing tide of feelings, belief and disbelief becoming interchangeable. I question with anger and frustration, bitter laughter becoming my defense as my arms remain empty in a land of plenty. Trust is an empty collection of lines and whispers but still I wait, the slightest ‘could be’ keeping me tethered through the long years of tears.

 Still, am I a fool to believe and trust in what might only be a lie? I can not imagine how you might turn back time, turn desert lands into an oasis that will become a haven to a million dreams. Could you possibly make a mistake? I had my chance, back before grey washed away my beauty and here I sit in the sand, alone.

 But you aren’t of stone and wood, made by false conceptions and prideful hearts. You hear the sorrow of lost desires and you speak of unheard of things, not simple wishes fulfilled. Could there still be truth behind unseen veils of ‘too late’? Against what I have seen and known, I must let go once more and wait under the starry skies, ears straining to hear the cry of a miraculous promise.

Grace

The darkness was dotted with many stars,

Some small, some large but all shining,

Reaching slivers of connection and unique voice.

We, the stars, grew to orbit the darkness,

Spheres overlapping, light joining for a time

Before the tide moved us forward again.

You shone with kindness, a compliment

And a gentle smile made of contentment,

A fire to warm and inspire sparks of motion.

For brief moments, we impacted each other

But a flicker, a gust of cold wind

And you were Not, lost to this dimension.

But whispers came to my wandering light

Of a place named Day, a light called Sun

That created our cores and allotted our time.

You are safe in the sun’s sweet beams

And I orbit on, forgetting as I sleep

But I smile in the dark; you are home.

Alterity

Brokenhearted from what you’ve lost;

What can make you whole again?

You scream till your voice is gone,

Like a butterfly out of captivity

Knowing anything can happen any moment,

Flying to white gates of memory.

Should I shatter your frozen death

At the place where mercy reigns?

You’ve seen it all and it’s so cold

But you’re dreaming of those days,

A beautiful heart, a work of art. 

Litera

Cast through a wicked whirling portal, flailing

Among stardust and murky acid ink spots,

Not daring to breathe lest I shatter

In this swift loss of vibrant lands.

Now place a new, traversing dusty roads

With a red book of lover letters in hand

To seek echoes of your wandering soul

Amidst lies of love and dark dreams.

Memory may be trapped in old stone

And your cruel prison has no solid locks

But your words write a narrow way
And I hope they’ll lead us back home.

After Atiloquence

Time has unraveled as undisturbed borders alter shape

Without source, unquestioned by primordial trees,

For they merely observe from their safe eugeria.

But I dwell in alterity, aliferous without a sky

Or dreams to bring alleviation…so sleep is desolate

And I suspend in the achorontic expanse of glassy stars.

All my atiloquence falls lifeless to the lurid land

And in a swift sweep, my kilderkin is revealed,

Possible once this crystalline sphere has deliquesced,

So I flex my abandoned wings and linger awhile more. 

Speciosis

Celestial beams warm my sleek surface as I rest

And reflect heavenly races of alabaster vapor.

I do not dream beyond the stern bulrushes,

Content to observe my inhabitants take flight,

For their colorful forms are to be admired

And I am not so unsightly myself, calm, at peace.

But the persistent claw of a brewing storm

Streaks and disrupts my frail exterior

And then the once friendly clouds begin an assault;

And I can only survey my disfigured appearance.

Each cold missile wounds and wrinkles age me,

My cerulean borders pockmarked, all purpose lost.

Yet before I close in murky sinking despair,

A lone figure captures my portrait, respectfully distant,

Astonishing; yet there, in my agony, I am beautiful.

Second Childhood

An incomprehensible blur of faces and colors,

Sounds becoming clearer until they form “words”,

Whole words found and explored with abandon,

New wonders added to build a reality; growing up.

And I lived, wrote my heart onto the pages,

Learned studiously, laughed with my dear friends

And at night in mood beams, dreams soared,

Until normal life was achieved and I sat.

What lurching horror to find my chair gone

And I fell into a swirling void of confusion,

Stripping me down to my fragile core

And I was a child for the second time.

Loss could not bind my heart for long

And stubbornly, I jumped into the new life

To find a joy filled land of tastes and shapes,

So that I grew up well and was blessed.

Warrior

Lead me to the raging waters

In a simple dress of white

To drown the entrapping darkness

And strip my flesh to the bone.

Destroyed by victorious love

And drawn up in fierce fire,

The reflection is mine, yet not,

Truly alive, unafraid of failure

In the face of a daunting army.

Washed by water, fire rested,

So lost that Self is found,

A warrior fighting with love.

Waltz

Shadows reigned in the starscape land

As dreams waltzed sleep into dust

And dared to shine beyond boundaries

Of fear and weary tales of tomorrow.

Against a familiar seeping sorrow, refreshed

Feathers of faith amidst desolate losses

Flexed shyly, then strengthened in waking dawn

To sweep the shards from my broken surface.

Then, beyond the cold restraining glass,

Dark was stripped away and forgotten

As day sharpened and pierced my heart,

And I was free, brighter than the stars.

Achor Redeemed

(The last two months have been crazy and definitely hard, though we had fun amidst the hardship. This is an inspired piece based on the last two months.)

  The gentle breeze caressed her face and playfully danced with her as she talked to the grove. It was a comforting place, a haven from the eternal storms that raged beyond the trees of safety. Hair dripping wet and clothing in disarray, she felt peaceful as the warm breeze dried her, causing her hair to form into ringlets. A light blue blanket was spread out on the grass and she sat down gratefully. A pair of doves flew past her and a hind bounded through the grove, delicate feet nimble and sure.

 The girl stood up and ran to the newcomer, who took her in His arms. “Little one.” His voice was audible love and she knew His gentle smile was on His face. They sat on the blanket, facing one another, silently enjoying each other’s presence for a time. Meanwhile, a lion cub and a lamb, which had been playing together nearby, ran over to rest at His side.

 The girl finally spoke, glancing at the faded scars on her pale arms. “I still can’t thank You enough for what You’ve done, especially in the last two years. The valley was so dark and I stumbled so often but the way You picked me up and transformed me…” she found no more words and fell into contented silence. He took her hands and held them tightly before His eyes grew sad. “My child, you once begged for reconciliation among the others and I have plans for them. And those plans involve you and an even deeper valley.”

 She sat very still, thoughts clambering within the confines of her mind, though she let none escape. Instead, she gazed at Him patiently and He continued a moment later. “Little one, it won’t be easy and it will take time.” He waited for her response, though He knew with a smile what it would be. “You’ll stay with me through this? You’ll carry me when I can’t walk another step?” He nodded and a determined look settled on her face. “Well then, let’s go see this valley. Just lead the way.”

 So they left the grove, stepping back out into the rain, walking towards the dark valley entrance. There they paused and He looked at her. “Ready?” She put her small hand in his big strong hand and nodded. And they skipped into the darkness.

Return of the Vlog

Here's a short trailer if you care to watch. I stopped updating my vlog six months ago after I moved to Alberta but I'm starting it up again!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nR6ab6PaRFk

After England

 It’s been over a year since I flew to England and grew in leaps and bounds, a foundation set down for the rest of my life. I wrote a good long piece about all the things I learned there and it truly was an amazing, life changing experience. But I also have to say that the transition from Capernwray to Real Life was brutal.

 I’ve been thinking a lot about my home away from home lately, about my dear friends and those safe rolling green fields. There’s no other way to say it; Capernwray, the grounds, the community, it was a taste of heaven. For six months, I lived in this bubble of safety, growing in a shelter of perpetual learning and positive conversations. Every worship time together, singing and praising God in our unique ways was a lovely constant foreshadowing of how heaven will be. It was easy, it was safe, and inevitably, it came to an end.

 I was actually surprised that it took me a year before I started wishing every now and then that I was back in England. When I first left, I was ready to go, knowing the next step had to happen now and the timing was perfect. I was sad but not on a deep level and as soon as my next chapter began, Capernwray became a pleasant dream that shaped who I was, but I could keep it resting in my memory.

 We left our castle dreaming of big things, ready to face the world, bring Jesus to the masses and live life to the fullest every day. Our teachers told us leaving Capernwray would be hard and that real life would be tough but I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be to just live a normal life.

 God led me (in quite an obvious way) to work as a cashier in a college dining hall, which has been such a blessing in so many ways and it’s exactly where God wants me. I know He’s been using me to bless people, to help them in practical ways, and it’s amazing because these are future pilots, nurses, musicians and church ministry workers who God will use and I get to help them in that. But Capernwray didn’t prepare me for the thoughts that creep in; “you’re just a cashier”, “shouldn’t you be doing something big like these students?”, “you aren’t doing enough to change the world”.

 That’s been my dream, to change the world in a huge meaningful way. I want to help orphans, I want to comfort everyone who suffers from depression and anxiety. I want to share my story and tell people what God has done and is doing. I want to change the world.

 It was very easy at Capernwray to see that we were doing something grand and meaningful. We had flown to another country simply to be with God and learn about Him. We went out on Outreach and physically helped people out and they were so excited and thankful. We knew we were helping, being useful and God had used us.

 Real Life is way different. Most of the time you don’t know how God has used you and you won’t know until you get to Heaven (won’t that be the best thing?) And that has started to weigh me down every now and then; I’m only living life, going to work, coming home, and that’s that. Where’s the change? How am I being useful? Things start to go downhill from there once those thoughts start creeping in.

 But that’s the thing; I’m focusing on myself. I’m belittling God’s ability to use every single thing we do. Being a Christian is simply walking through life with God and He’ll do the most fantastic things, without me and my dreams getting in the way. He loves to take the little things and make Himself seen in them. All He asks is that I remain open to whatever He has in store and He will dream for me.

 This is Real Life, where we go to school or work, do “normal” everyday things. But if we’re walking with God, open to Him, then every “normal” thing matters. God uses it all for His glory and the hope is found in trusting that He is working things out, that He is using you. God isn’t confined to our grand actions; He works in the little things too. So I’m thankful I had my time in England but I’m also thankful to be in the Real World. This is where the adventure is. It’s hard, things fall apart, there’s a lot of laughter and tears and England was safer. And to be honest, changeable feelings aside, there’s no place I would rather be than where God has me, right here, right now.

Seledreorig

 We were once lovely model of perfection, royalty so charming and beauty overwhelming. Lovely and loving in gowns so soft and vibrant, twirling under a skyscape of stars every night. Soft tinkling laughter, low murmurs of kindness and warmth and all of this in our great Hall, our great King presiding.

 So long ago now and what terrible things have since transpired. Somewhere, a clock struck the close of our happiness, a feat accomplished by our own hands. Those beautiful lights blinked out like dying fireflies and our gowns gave way to rags. Barefoot and broken hearted, we found ourselves running through woods full of things we’d never dreamed of, dire shadows of evils unknown.

 We happened across a book lying in a glade, left by our King. Though its’ sweet words of hope should have strengthened us, it instead separated our group as each chose a different path. Our paths changed us, as sorrows often do and the memory of our great Hall whittled into a sadness that rested deep in our hearts. The book was lost.

 One tried to ease the sadness by building wealth and living a wild life, full of happiness that lasted for short whiles. One found plants in the woods that erased all feeling at all. Once gave away all her precious belongings in hopes of something beautiful in return. One found safety and comfort in harm, wounds that never quite seemed to heal. One never stopped travelling, seeking happiness in the right place to call home.

 Had our lives ever been different? Didn’t we always trudge on through each day, peasants covered in mud? Sometimes we dreamed of haunting music or of a kind laughter, full of love, but we always woke up.

 One found the book and understood what it truly meant. Heart dancing at the thought of finding the answer, of the sadness eased, the question asked for the last time. Ever wandering to tell the truth to others, hopeful of the promised new Hall, we found each other again and broke through the haze of lies we’d submitted to.

 We won’t always wander the woods; nor will the sadness, the lack of a hall, dwell in our souls. We journey to our Hall and our King, dreaming happily of reuniting, of lovely gowns and loving laughter. We dream and travel home.

Forgiveness

Time and again, I fail, break,

Snap at the people I should love

Or choose silence over encouraging words,

Think cruel thoughts of judgment.

And I’m sorry; I don’t mean it

But Flesh rears up in my heart,

Pride and selfish desire coming first

When it should remain slain.

Yet still, despite failure and losses,

You stay the same, never failing

Ever loving, such an amazing thing

I can barely believe and how freeing!

On the Waves

Just a little while longer,

Hold me safe, wrapped up

Until I come to shore

And can fall completely apart,

Melt into the warm sand.

There I’ll lie in pieces,

Soaking in the healing sun

And then a form walks by,

Hands of love shaping slowly,

Pieces renewed and combined,

Wild waves held at bay;

A hand pulls me back up

“let’s dance along the shore

And then into those waves!”

And we danced on them,

Free and joyful once more.

Fly Away

Let me fly with the birds
away from these dark ashes
to clearer skies of hope.
Wings made of mere dreams
taking shape and taking flight
beyond this flat mortal realm.

1. Five Ways to Win My Heart

(A friend and I are doing a 30 day writing challenge, where we have a list of writing prompts and we write about each one in whatever way we want. I'll be posting mine here.)

1. Five Ways to Win My Heart

Words permanently inked upon parchments

Of imagination and lovely open dreams,

Revealing pieces of your dear heart

And begging to see my own thoughts.

Patience and an adventurous companion

With a love to match my own

For thousands of dusty forgotten portals,

Collecting all we can for safe keeping.

Acceptance and a love for my past

And the scars that map my sorrows,

Joy at redemption and sweet forgiveness,

Admiring the butterfly wings I possess.

Sharing the songs that mean the most,

That speak the loudest to your soul,

Causing you to want to leap and shout

Or sit and mourn unknown lost things.

But none of these matter that much,

They’re only nice things but not needed;

Rather, tell me of our Father’s ways

And let’s explore His love together.

New Year 2015

Fearfully, I looked inside my weary heart

And found an empty vessel thirsting deeply

To be filled by something grand and bold.

Many things, I consumed with wild abandon

But to my despair, I discovered tiny holes

In my hollow heart, so I was now a sieve

And nothing I consumed filled for long.

The hollow gnawed but no source satisfied,

Each drying up before joy was achieved,

So I sought across the land for a solution

Until He made Himself known with a smile.

“I see your heart is a sieve that longs

For filling and I’ve seen you searching.

How convenient, I have a river of love

That can never run out, twill always flow.”

Too good to be true but I surrendered

To His laughter and merciful, abundant waters

And we began to walk the road together,

So my heart is always full and gladly

I search no more, heart free of fear.