For the past few
weeks, I felt that I was doing pretty well. Life was picking up, I was
nannying, hanging out with friends and working with the kids at Grace church on
Sundays, which has been such a blessing and a blast. And there’s a part of me
that always wants that, to be in a comfortable time, nothing going wrong, just
a nice, happy season. However, I’m learning that Life doesn’t respect the fact
that I like things to be cut into seasons and Life certainly didn’t get the
memo that now is a happy season.
A friend of mine from
Grace church was in an awful car accident and initially, it looked grim. And it
was as if, in that moment, my heart was convinced that God had fallen off the
throne and didn’t have a clue as to what was going on. No matter what I said to
myself, reminding myself of who God is and all the usual things, good, in
control ect, my heart wasn’t taking any of that.
I haven’t really been
super angry for ages but this time it was as if an ocean was unleashed, taking
anything it crashed into with it. Something would happen, I’d instantly see the
worst case scenario and be convinced it would end of being reality. Then my
health insurance had an issue and I had to pay $1,500 for a month’s supply of
my daily injection, something I need. Suddenly, money became a huge worry until
I worried myself into a nasty cold.
You may have heard
this before, that if you’re angry with God and with life, that’s okay and it’s
better to just have it out with Him. It took me a few days but I finally had
the angry asking, accusing and finally the tired emptiness, coming back to the
fact that I’ve got nothing. I love people and in doing that, I want to fix
their bad situations. I’d grown too self-dependent to pray for situations and
then felt utterly helpless when I (inevitably) couldn’t change anything.
There wasn’t the
instant “oh wow I feel great again” but after The Discussion, I ended up giving
things to God and then leaving them. I still freaked out over money but God
brought up three different companies who all want to sort out the issue for me.
I focused on Today and God (probably chuckling at me) did His thing and has
been taking care of things.
There are a lot of
things wrong with our world, our lives and a lot of things happen out of the
blue, punching you in the gut. It’s hard not to focus on those things. But as
soon as you do, you don’t see God the way He really is. He’s not the puppeteer
who makes bad things happen because it makes a better story that way. But as He
lets things happen, He is there, hand ready for you to take it and trust Him.
God’s heart is one of
abundant love, this epic downpour that soaks you to the bone. God’s heart is a
father and little daughter dancing in a field on a beautiful summer day. God’s
heart is the hug that doesn’t let go as you wait in the hospital, dreading the
impending news.
Life is hard. The
most out of the blue garbage will be dumped on you. The thing is, (spoiler) God
wins. We’re on our way Home, where the fight is over and tears only fall out of
joy. It might seem like it’s taking forever. But we’ll get there. It’s just the
long way home.
