Long Way Home

 For the past few weeks, I felt that I was doing pretty well. Life was picking up, I was nannying, hanging out with friends and working with the kids at Grace church on Sundays, which has been such a blessing and a blast. And there’s a part of me that always wants that, to be in a comfortable time, nothing going wrong, just a nice, happy season. However, I’m learning that Life doesn’t respect the fact that I like things to be cut into seasons and Life certainly didn’t get the memo that now is a happy season.

 A friend of mine from Grace church was in an awful car accident and initially, it looked grim. And it was as if, in that moment, my heart was convinced that God had fallen off the throne and didn’t have a clue as to what was going on. No matter what I said to myself, reminding myself of who God is and all the usual things, good, in control ect, my heart wasn’t taking any of that.

 I haven’t really been super angry for ages but this time it was as if an ocean was unleashed, taking anything it crashed into with it. Something would happen, I’d instantly see the worst case scenario and be convinced it would end of being reality. Then my health insurance had an issue and I had to pay $1,500 for a month’s supply of my daily injection, something I need. Suddenly, money became a huge worry until I worried myself into a nasty cold.

 You may have heard this before, that if you’re angry with God and with life, that’s okay and it’s better to just have it out with Him. It took me a few days but I finally had the angry asking, accusing and finally the tired emptiness, coming back to the fact that I’ve got nothing. I love people and in doing that, I want to fix their bad situations. I’d grown too self-dependent to pray for situations and then felt utterly helpless when I (inevitably) couldn’t change anything.

 There wasn’t the instant “oh wow I feel great again” but after The Discussion, I ended up giving things to God and then leaving them. I still freaked out over money but God brought up three different companies who all want to sort out the issue for me. I focused on Today and God (probably chuckling at me) did His thing and has been taking care of things.

 There are a lot of things wrong with our world, our lives and a lot of things happen out of the blue, punching you in the gut. It’s hard not to focus on those things. But as soon as you do, you don’t see God the way He really is. He’s not the puppeteer who makes bad things happen because it makes a better story that way. But as He lets things happen, He is there, hand ready for you to take it and trust Him.

 God’s heart is one of abundant love, this epic downpour that soaks you to the bone. God’s heart is a father and little daughter dancing in a field on a beautiful summer day. God’s heart is the hug that doesn’t let go as you wait in the hospital, dreading the impending news.

 Life is hard. The most out of the blue garbage will be dumped on you. The thing is, (spoiler) God wins. We’re on our way Home, where the fight is over and tears only fall out of joy. It might seem like it’s taking forever. But we’ll get there. It’s just the long way home.